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Have you had your fair share of bloopers- job interviews included? Some of us are simply prone to stroppy encounters and cringe-worthy mistakes. It’s understandable if you show up centuries late chewing gum, wearing baggy shorts, unable to put sentences together or starting every sentence with “oh baby”, “well, pretty girl”, and, high as a kite, then doomsday has been invited, bro.

But, Super remarkable resume? Check. Flamboyant attire? Check. Groundwork done? Check. You are ecstatic to get moving on your career. You can still be a loser. Everyone talks about how bad and funny interviewees are but barely anyone talks about the meets with interviewing gods.

I am the kind who shows up early adorning meticulously ironed outfit with sleek hair pinned into a ponytail combined with the voice of a Disney character in interviews. Turns out, it’s all for nothing. As if racing to an unknown location on time by a public transport is not hard enough, they disqualify you and send you back home crudely only to call you back again because now they are mesmerized by your CV. They miss you only after you are gone. So happens in life right?

You come back again by the public transport; double the money and they go unresponsive for 45 minutes straight before your interview is scheduled. Neither explanations nor apologies are provided from the giant fancy corporation. Holy beings.

You go back and forth to the bathroom with a tight little smile of acknowledgment that you do when you come across strangers in a washroom, because you had too much water due to sweating while shuttling.

The interviewing deities sit in a horizontal row to decide whether to parcel you to heaven or hell. They sit there and ponder for a quite a few seconds, and then ask amorphous questions. The interviewers just silently gawk at you with their mouths faintly agape. What do you actually deserve in life? Are you even worth it? Why are your eyebrows uneven? They think amidst the unprofessional chaos as the staff keeps popping in to discuss official matters. Sigh!! So where were we? Beesh, start afresh now. Pure and Pious assessors believe that talking to someone for a mere 10 minutes gives them a clear picture of who they are and what they can bid other than their CV, experience, references, and records.

Nevertheless, What I wasn’t ready for was my foot falling asleep on me through the interview. You wouldn’t think this was such a big deal, but I had completely cut off the blood supply to my right foot.

At no time you are given a chance to ask questions as you are just some meat covered skeleton for them. Finally, you leave after fidgety flashes of unease combined with adrenaline rush only to be called back again to the office due to their in-house miscommunication. You come back the fourth time only to get vetoed. It goes crazy every time on the ride home.

Well, you’re a great candidate, but we’ve already made a decision to go with someone else is common. Why choose the average one when you have a great one? Yes, fool me. You are overqualified. You deserve better. This ain’t for you. You should work somewhere else where there is more freedom. And, hey, are you decision making gods also going to pay my bills until the time I get what you think I deserve?

Another time, I had a jackass of an interviewer who seemed hell-bent to crack which political party I went for and my staunch political beliefs. Although politics were completely irrelevant to this company, I think he was just really on fire.

Job interviews are thrilling, jittery and pointless at the very same time. Its fundamentals align with flipping a coin. Interviews are a cold bucket of reality water where you realize how shitty or good the world could really be

I think job interviews are typically about false claims of fame. The research conducted by Jason Dana and his team debunks this idea. Dana explains that interviews actually contribute to a less accurate predictor of job performance — and those interviewer snap judgments are often wrong. Basically, he says, job interviews are useless. He has my heart.

This is a problem wrapped in the forged bacon. Some are good, some are bad and some are downright ugly! But there’s one thing in common, they are funny. Employers, like most people, trust their godly and unwavering intuitions. But when they decide whom to hire, they trust those angelic intuitions far more than they should and are brilliantly badly mistaken to do so. Cool people can draw employers’ attention to irrelevant information leading to inferior decisions on the part of management.

My good word is not to interview at all lest you’re going to cultivate and develop an interview modus operandi, with the assistance of a professional, which is constructed on a careful breakdown of what you are looking for in a job candidate. But, it can really pay off. Also, fuck them.

Lovey Chaudhary
Lovey Chaudhary

A communications major, academic researcher, author, sunset photographer, and hardcore marketing professional with experience of over 6+ years in the industry, Lovey is always looking up witty ways to address taboo subjects in a simple yet hard-hitting manner.

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