Brace yourself for a blistering election season! This is like the Valentine frenzy, where everyone is overpromising and under-delivering. You thought Cricket, Bollywood, and Porn were entertainment? Well, this season simply (and effortlessly) ups the ante. Elections in India are akin to an extramarital affair turned ugly. They are like a pack of chips. Full of air and with little substance on offer.
With India in the midst of its sweltering electoral season, politicians and their supporters attempt to influence the votes of constituents by ‘Saam-Daam-Dand-Bhed‘. Devotees, the ones who beat up couples on Valentine’s Day and threaten to expurgate Deepika Padukone’s nose, can be seen chilling around to pick up local mood analytics and warm up for the polls ahead.
With overdramatic rhetoric, a lot of showboating, and a plethora of colorful characters, the party-political playhouse turns into an extravaganza like no other! Political rallies, therefore, seem like another ‘Isha Ambani’ wedding. Millions of rupees are thrown in from far-flung areas, and people from showbiz come forward to paint the proceedings before the leader talks about the mind-boggling manifesto to revive political empathy of India’s young middle class. Later in the evening, news channels play cock-fights over the most tantalizing sound bites of the day. It has all the ingredients of one successful reality show.
In elections, pledges to reform India like never before is a recurring phenomenon. According to me, they should plan to introduce “Jail Reform”, with Seven-star jail cells for VIPs, just to be future-proof and mattresses made from FFB: Feathers, Foam, and Black Money. Another manifesto point should be an ideal beautification drive in each state: Every footpath, crossing and traffic signal should display photos of the local ‘Netaji‘. Lo double posters on birthdays. This will greatly intensify the view and spend taxpayers’ money judiciously.
Lastly, bribing should be declared a fundamental right, rather than just being a privilege of the rich.
Our election campaigns are neatly dipped down into a little hollow phenomenon of religion. Elections perfectly cloud scandalous issues like the suspicious deaths and disappearings of journalists, activists, and whistleblowers. Be it a Muslim, Dalit, or a Secular Hindu, anyone holding an opinion is immediately arrested because we live in a country where absolutely no crimes occur. It’s a spectacle, one of a kind.
I think the best method to pick our leaders is to put them all together in a house in order to survive the reality of life. I can totally imagine Modi-Rahul-Kejriwal trying to cook something in the Big Boss house – Rahul would probably insist on eating daal-chawal to appear relatable to the audience, while Kejriwal would go on a hunger strike to please the public. Modi, meanwhile, would insist on raw materials from Gujarat and boast about his cooking prowess as he is already better than the best.
We are a funny country with a million prejudices. We can only bare our darkest secrets as a nation through irreverent dark humor and remixed songs.
Politics is not a particular activity carried out by mad old men far away (well not exactly) – it’s the process that governs how you live every day of your life.
Get off your potato butt and vote for the lesser loser.